Jobs For The Boys – What Could Have Been!

on October 9, 2014 at 11:28 am

Republic of Ireland face Gibraltar on Saturday in a European Championship qualifier with their opponents’ team comprising of shipping agents, policemen and admin clerks.

We have a look at how more famous players might have earned their living had they not got their break in football.

Joe Hart – Hairdresser

England’s mane man is a perm-anent member of the England squad but is no stranger to the world of hairdressing, having starred in cringeworthy TV ads for Head & Shoulders shampoo. He’d obviously specialise in “number one” cuts and could even employ fellow former Manchester City keeper Nicky Weave-r.

Carlos Tevez – Golf Caddy

The Argentinian striker actually acted as caddy to compatriot Andres Romero at The Open in 2012. This came as no surprise as he’d spent the previous few years carrying clubs single-handedly throughout England. Tevez’s attitude drove a wedge between him and Manchester City but he’s since proved up to scratch at Juventus.

Michael Owen – Netflix Film Tagger

Netflix recently advertised for in Ireland and the UK for film taggers – which entails watching TV and films on Netflix, analysing them and tagging them in relevant genres.

And what better man for the job than Michael Owen, who has watched an astonishing FIVE movies in his life – Cool Runnings, Rocky, Ghost, Heat and Jurassic Park. Here’s his reviews for the above.

Luis Suarez – Food Taster

The Uruguayan bitman, sorry hitman, was actually offered a job as “Official Meat Taster” by food firm Mattessons during the summer. Their new range included flavours such as “Italian Shoulder”, “Chelsea Right-Back” and “PSV Midfielder”.

Kolo Toure – Second-Hand Car Salesman

This is obviously the Liverpool defender’s dream job as he once had an affair using the name Francois and pretended to be car salesman. He’d specialise in Land Rover Defenders.

And here’s some more footballers and what jobs we think they’d have, just by the look of them.

John Terry – one of those annoying club promoters in the Canaries, who utter “free shots” 700 times a day.

Joey Barton – between jobs after an “incident” in a call centre.

Wayne Rooney – will clean your windows for twenty quid. You say no and lock your front door when he leaves.

Adam Lallana – waiter at Wagamama to pay for his Media Studies degree.

Andy Carroll – long-distance lorry driver, who breaks down every 100 miles. Was once an extra in Byker Grove.

Jack Wilshere – sells raffle tickets to win a Lamborghini in London airports, whilst looking forward to his next smoke break.

Robbie Savage – just taken over from the retired Chris Finch as Outside Sales Representative for the Slough paper merchant Wernham Hogg.

Tom Cleverley – phone shop assistant who once won Employee of the Month but hasn’t progressed since. Has the new iPhone 6 though.

Alan Shearer – mechanic in Kevin Webster’s garage in Weatherfield. Gail Platt’s latest squeeze.

Didier Drogba – once sold you a “Rolex” in Ibiza for 8 euro.

Peter Odemwingie – taxi driver who often turns up hundreds of miles from where he’s supposed to be.