Sepp Blatter’s Ghost To Run For FIFA Presidency In 2020

Sepp Blatter has quashed fears that his mortality could bring an end to his seemingly infinite stewardship of FIFA – by announcing that he’s advocated that his own ghost take over from him after his eventual demise.

With the 78-year-old Swiss running out of allies and facing a challenge from Luis Figo, Prince Ali bin al-Hussein of Jordan and Michael van Praag for the FIFA presidency, it is believed he’s turned to his own spirit as his eventual successor.

Blatter, who himself has haunted football for at least three decades, has sought legal advice and is encouraged by the fact that specters cannot be prosecuted for fraud.

It is rumoured that Blatter’s ghost is already planning on hosting the 2026 World Cup in Hell, although it may need to be moved to late Autumn due to high temperatures.

Balotelli Penalty Grab Leaves Henderson With No Balls Whatsoever


Mario Balotelli was at the centre of another controversy last night as he converted his 27th penalty of his career, rather than let novice Jordan Henderson take it.

Displaying potential captain material, the Italian realised Liverpool’s best chance from the spot came from allowing one of the world’s finest penalty takers – with a 93% success rate – to take it, and he duly obliged.

The alternative was to indulge his skipper, whose shoot-out miss for Sunderland against Aston Villa in 2009 led to their exit from the League Cup.

Daniel Sturridge was clearly livid with Balotelli, while Steven Gerrard cricticised him afterwards, feeling the designated penalty-taker should take precedence. Perhaps they both recalled that Gerrard allowed Sturridge to take a spot-kick against Everton last year to complete a hat-trick, only to fluff it.

Balotelli later thanked Henderson on Instagram for “letting him” take the penalty, which is a bit like a burglar thanking a family for “letting him” burgle their house as they helplessly watch on.

Balotelli’s heroics and the farcical scenes that preceded it left Liverpool’s captain, in the absence of Gerrard, looking like he’d no balls whatsoever.

Adebayor Linked With Kilmacud Crokes After Bentley GAA Success


Following David Bentley’s success with GAA Club Crossmaglen Rangers, it’s believed a host of other failed soccer players are considering changing code.

The former Tottenham midfielder scored three points against Silverbridge on Sunday, making a seamless transition to his new sport.

It is now believed Kilmacud Crokes are interested in Spurs’ out-of-favour Emmanuel Adebayor for their corner-forward position.

The Togolese’s expertise at ballooning the majority of his shots over the bar is a major factor in their interest. The fact he wears gloves in even the mildest of weather is also a major plus.

However, club officials are concerned as to whether he can perform on “a wet Tuesday night in Saggart”. Crokes have also been linked with Kolo Toure, but a spokesman ruled this out, stating “he’s good, but the brother is better”.

Thierry Henry was famously linked with Ballymun Kickhams for his short hand-passing skills but has instead taken up a punditry role with Sky Sports.