Diego Costa Only Wears Gloves So He Doesn’t Leave Fingerprints On Victims

It has been revealed that Chelsea striker Diego Costa, “26”, only wears gloves during every match to ensure he doesn’t leave fingerprints on his victims.

It had been thought the Brazilian-born Spanish striker brandished the mittens for climatic conditions. However, a club official has revealed that it is for another form of self-protection – from retrospective punishment.

Costa’s first season in England has been littered with niggly fouls, stamps, headbutts, dives and shirt-tugging but he has somehow escaped receiving a red card. Indeed, if you Google ‘Diego Costa’ the search engine suggests “did you mean ‘Diego Costa should have been sent off’”.

It is believed the gloves have played a huge part in him escaping punishment as he fails to leave any trace of DNA on his prey. With video replays for controversial incidents still unused it means that the striker can escape scot-free from any misdemeanor.

The gloves are also useful for another reason – offering protection to Costa’s fists as he thumps the ground in frustration at not receiving a penalty for diving, which he averages 17 times per game.

Manchester Aeroplane Banner Company Awaiting Imminent Order
Soccer - Barclays Premier League - Manchester United v Aston Villa - Old Trafford
A Lancashire aeroplane banner company are bracing themselves for their annual order from Manchester United fans, growing wearing of Louis van Gaal’s tenure at the club.

It is a year since a group of supporters hired a “Wrong One – Moyes Out” banner to fly above Old Trafford, before a match against Aston Villa. However the plane did not arrive until after kick-off, suggesting it was still working to “Fergie Time”.

The stunt cost the fans £840 and it is believed a repeat this year will cost even more due to the extra letters in van Gaal’s name. However, United are used to shelling out to getting extra letters printed every year as the club change replica shirts and personnel every 12 months.

However, their plans may be dashed this time as the banner company are concerned about safety issues – primarily a long ball to Fellaini striking the plane.

Falcao On Bench For Man United Under-12s This Weekend
Soccer - Barclays Premier League - Manchester United v Hull City - Old Trafford
Falcao’s patience at Manchester United will be rewarded this weekend with a place in the squad for their Under-12s friendly against a Schoolteachers XI.

Although the Colombian striker is 29, the panel are allowed one overage player and it is believed that the spot will go to Falcao in an attempt to boost his confidence and match fitness.

The underage side has scored 23 goals in their last three matches so the misfiring on-loan star will probably start on the bench. Falcao failed to score in FA Cup games against Yeovil Town and Preston North End and Head Coach Tony Whelan is hesitant to start him in such an important clash.

The former Atletico Madrid hitman won’t be the only famous face in the squad, with three of David Beckham’s kids – including three-year-old daughter Harper Seven – ever-presents this season having failed to impress at other clubs.