Elderly Man Forgets To Do Shopping Again

There are fears for an elderly London-based man, as he was sent to the shops for groceries and returned empty-handed.

Arsene Wenger, 65, is adamant however that absent-mindedness is not to blame. He admits he did visit Spitalfields in the hope of purchasing some fruit and vegetables but found “no value in the market”.

To compound matters his car ran out of fuel on the way home, as he found petrol in the local garage prohibitively expensive.

It comes after previous shopping expeditions for porridge and a set of screwdrivers ended in him returning home with three diminutive attacking midfielders.

Anthony Martial’s Mother Only Vaguely Aware of Anthony Martial

It’s been revealed that the profile of Manchester United’s new signing, Anthony Martial, is so low that even his own mother is only vaguely aware of him.

In an interview yesterday, Mrs. Martial revealed that she once bought the player for her all-conquering Grimsby Town team on Football Manager, but sold him when he failed to dislodge Freddy Adu and Will Keane from the first team.

After a summer of being linked with the likes of Neymar, Gareth Bale and Cristiano Ronaldo, Louis van Gaal’s promise of a “mystery striker” proved precise with the new boy a mystery to even his family.

In a further twist it transpires that United only bought Martial as Monaco were the sole club able to open United’s password-protected emails. Ed Woodward had emailed a last-minute bid to Barcelona for Neymar but it went into the club’s spam folders along with an offer of money from an African prince, which they duly accepted.

Jim White Put Back In Storage For Five Months

Sky Sports can exclusively reveal that they’ve put Jim White back into storage for five months.

The station’s anchorman is stored in a bunker close to Sky’s headquarters and reporter Gary Cotterill spotted White entering the ground at 6:30pm yesterday evening.

There were reports that the Scot had been spotted at the airport, after being linked to a foreign station, but with the clock ticking on a move he put pen to paper on a deal that will keep him with Sky for the January transfer window.

White, who recently beat the Minions in a poll to find the most annoying creature to wear yellow, had earlier been described as a “top, top presenter, t’rrific” by an unemployed man called Harry Redknapp.