A Guide To Avoiding Steven Gerrard’s Last Game At Anfield
It’s become unavoidable at this point, hasn’t it? Unbearable, nearly. Steven Gerrard’s last game at Anfield is an event everyone else bar Liverpool fans have been dreading for months.
The scores of articles about how much of an idol he was. ‘Better than Keane, Scholes and Lampard’, they said, ‘the greatest player of his generation’. It’s on the cusp of becoming all too much. So we’ve created an antidote to your suffering…. A guide to avoiding the sycophants:
Social Media Muting
In case you didn’t know, you can actually mute words on Twitter now so if you like keeping up to date with the craic from all your favourite accounts, but can’t stand having your timeline plagued by the Liverpool captain, just mute the words ‘Steven Gerrard’ by following this link.
There’s no such thing for Facebook so you’re on your own there, unfortunately.
Shopping With The Mrs
If you didn’t already know, the Liverpool-Crystal Palace game kicks off at 5:30 so instead of hanging round to watch Jamie Redknapp and co. pucker up and kiss Gerrard’s backside for the rest of the evening, try the lesser of the two evils – shopping with the Mrs.
No one likes it, obviously, but it’s better than the alternative.
Slip To The Pub
If you’ve gone out with the Mrs shopping, chances are you’ve only lasted an hour max., but you can’t go home – the game is still on. Next best option is to ‘slip’ straight to the pub. One that preferably shows cricket or rugby rather than the footy.
Best check your footwear, though – pub floors are notorious for spillage so you might wanna wear something that won’t have you falling on your arse. Oi Oi!
Be On A Constant Wind-Up
Anywhere, at any time, be ready for the mention of the phrase, ‘Steven Gerrard – the best ever’, and counter it with, “He was nowhere near as good as Keane, Scholes, Vieira or Lampard”.
Even if you don’t believe it, just say it anyway and run off laughing. Nothing leaves a Reds’ fan fuming more.
Inevitably somewhere, somehow, the words ‘Steven Gerrard’ will slip into your timeline. In the event that it does, after you’ve rolled your eyes to the heavens, and before you chuck your phone or laptop out the window, have this great meme ready to go.
Dropping this bad boy into the lap of an overly emotional Liverpool fan will set off a timebomb of epic proportions.
Record Match Of The Day
I know, I know – your Saturday night ritual: a sneaky chinese, a few take-home cans and Match of the Day live.
Scrap that this weekend, though, because you know what it’s going to be like: you’ll have the likes of Lineker and Danny Murphy fawning all night over Gerrard, talking about what a magical player he was, one of the Premier League’s greatest.
Instead, record it, watch it when it’s all over and fast forward through all that nonsense. It’ll be a late night but it’ll be worth it.
Goals On Sunday
AVOID Goals on Sunday altogether. Sky love nothing more than a massive Steven Gerrard love-in. Kamara and Sheppard will be nothing short of wearing ‘I Love Stevie G’ T-shirts with huge lovehearts on ’em.
Give it a swerve for one weekend and head straight for a big fry and Super Sunday pints.
That’s about it for now, we reckon. We hope this helps in your bid to avoid what may just be the most insufferable footballing weekend ever. You’d never have seen this type of thing for Paul Scholes, let me tell you.