Football’s Most Ridiculous Mascots

You know it’s a slow news day in the football world when the unveiling of a new mascot by Partick Thistle garners headlines.

While most mascots are animal-related, or at least easily identifiable, Kingsley is, well, I’m not sure. It’s as if the Sun Baby from the Teletubbies is all grown up and has gotten themselves an ASBO.

But the Jags’ new mascot isn’t the most ridiculous ever. Oh no, there’s much, much worse…

Sir Craven of Cottage, Fulham

Sir Craven of Cottage looked liked one of those M&M guys on a stag weekend.

Thankfully for Fulham fans he barely lasted a ‘knight’, eventually replaced by Billy the Badger – most famous for trying to put Robin van Persie off taking a corner.

However, not before the Cottagers had to endure Mr Byte (not to be confused with Luis Suarez), a laptop with a face that was switched off after one season and never switched on again.

Mr Testicles, Everton

Yeah, you read that right.

He may have looked like Spongebob Squarepants had lost everything due to a crack cocaine habit, but at least it was for a good cause – raising testicular cancer awareness – and he’s shown more balls than anyone at the club under Roberto Martinez last season.

Here he is warming up and acting the bollocks.

Benny The Box, Telford Town

You know when kids get toys for Christmas but end up playing with the box instead? Maybe draw a sad face on it with crayons? Maybe hilariously put it over their head and fall around?

That’s Telford Town’s mascot, that is.

Cyril the Swan, Swansea

Not the worst looking mascot in the world, granted, but Cyril is definitely one of the most infamous.

They say swans can break your arm if you look at them funny and I wouldn’t put it past this bird. He’s got into trouble with the police on numerous occasions, mainly for fighting with other mascots and match stewards.

Here he is being interviewed about his most notorious incident – when he removed and drop-kicked the head of Millwall’s Zampa the Lion, before warning him not to “f**k with the Swans”.

Mighty Red, Liverpool

Mighty Red’s facial features actually resemble those of Brendan Rodgers, although the mascot has not been a “great character” or “outstanding” for the club.

He was unveiled to great fanfare in 2012 but has failed to live up to expectations and it’s a surprise he hasn’t been sold to West Ham at a knockdown price.

Timber Jim/Joey, Portland Timbers

American sports are no strangers to ridiculous mascots but Portland Timbers dispensed with the regular furry costumes to unleash a middle-aged lumberjack on American soccer fans.

Jim, and his successor Joey, cut a round from a log with a chainsaw every time their team score. God knows what they do when they hit the woodwork.

Mighty Mariner, Grimsby Town

Proof, if proof were needed, that Giovanni Trapattoni has been absolutely desperate for work since his reign as Ireland manager ended.

H’Angus the Monkey, Hartlepool United

The most ridiculous thing about H’Angus the Monkey is the fact he was elected Mayor of Hartlepool – three times.

Prior to his election win – based on a manifesto of “free bananas for schoolkids” – he was regularly escorted from stadia for being “drunk” and simulating sex with female stewards and inflatables. Definitely politician material, then.