Kane Takes Two Gerrard Sending-Offs To Score 1st England Goal

The “Saviour of English Football” Harry Kane took just two Steven Gerrard sending-offs, or 80 seconds, to score his first England goal against Lithuania last night.

The Spurs striker was only off the bench before notching his maiden international strike, and is now just 13 goals away from Danny Welbeck’s England goalscoring record.

Kane follows in the footsteps of former in-form English strikers who’ve been handed a international call-up such as Michael Ricketts, Dean Ashton, Francis Jeffers and David Nugent.

Despite cries for him to start, Roy Hodgson kept faith with Arsenal’s Welbeck who also scored on the night – grabbing his 14th England goal in just 33 appearances.

Smalling & Jones To Remain In England Squads Until They Eventually Join Sunderland

It’s been confirmed by a source close to the FA that Manchester United defenders Chris Smalling and Phil Jones will remain in all future England squads until they eventually join Sunderland.

The much-criticised pair have won 29 caps between them despite being, according to one United fan, “pure shite”.

Jones got his first England call-up just two months after joining United, despite only playing 35 times for Blackburn Rovers. Similarly, Chris Smalling won international recognition within months of moving to Old Trafford, having only played 13 times for Fulham.

Conversely, it has been confirmed that Southampton’s Ryan Bertrand – arguably the Premier League’s best left-back this season – will not get a call-up form Roy Hodgson until he signs for United. He’s behind an out-of-form Leighton Baines, an inconsistent Kieran Gibbs and an injured Luke Shaw in Hodgson’s pecking order.

O’Neill & Keane Shocked To Discover There’s Something Called The League of Ireland
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Ireland manager Martin O’Neill and his assistant Roy Keane were shocked to discover this morning that a League of Ireland actually exists.

The duo are in Dublin for Ireland’s crunch clash with Poland tomorrow night, but were oblivious to domestic league fixtures which took place on Friday night.

Reigning champions Dundalk maintained their unbeaten record this season, and have yet to concede a goal, but the management duo preferred a night out in Dublin watching “I, Keano”.

Despite the obvious talent on show at Oriel Park and elsewhere in the league, O’Neill admitted he thought it was only a “made-up thing”. Keane once played for Cobh Ramblers but presumed “that yoke had been wound up years ago, like”.

While ignoring the domestic league’s best players, the duo’s squad contains luminaries such as Cyrus Christie, Harry Arter and David McGoldrick.