Shock As Highly-Paid Goalscorer Scores Goal

The football world was in shock last night when a £110,000 per week goalscorer scored a goal.

Mario Balotelli notched a late winner in a five-goal thriller with Spurs at Anfield, to grab his first Premier League goal since signing for the club 170 days ago.

Football fans were stunned that a striker who has won the Premier League, three Serie A titles, the Champions League and was named in UEFA’s European Championship Team of the Tournament in 2012 was able to kick a football into a 24 foot wide space from 4 yards out.

The Italian’s scoring streak now means he’s scored as many goals as Aston Villa in 2015, and looks a bargain at £16 million compared to the £62 million that Randy Lerner shelled out for Villa in 2006.

Revealed That ‘Hoof It Up To Fellaini’ Is Dutch For ‘Philosophy’

A linguistics expert has revealed that the rough Dutch translation of ‘philosophy’ is ‘hoof it up to Fellaini’.

The claims of Manuela Spinelli, translator for Giovanni Trapattoni during his spell as Republic of Ireland manager, may finally have ended speculation as to what Louis van Gaal’s masterplan at Manchester United actually is.

When he took over at Old Trafford van Gaal warned that it would take three months for his ‘philosophy’ to bear fruit. This self-imposed deadlines seems to tally with Spinelli’s claims.

After his first three months in charge, the manager has often resorted to throwing Marouane Fellaini into the fray to rescue something from a game. It’s worked so far with the Belgian scoring against West Brom, QPR and Stoke City, while the team’s direct style while he is on the pitch has resulted in several other important goals including Daley Blind’s equaliser against West Ham on Sunday.

Spinelli was criticised during his time with Trapattoni as being a “glory-hunter” for not being there when Ireland really needed a translator – during Steve Staunton’s time in charge.

£5 Billion Deal Ensures We’ve To Listen To Michael Owen Until 2019

Football fans were distraught yesterday when it was revealed that BT Sport had secured the rights to 42 Premier League matches per season from 2016-2019. It slowly dawned on supporters that, despite the welcome increase in televised matches, they’d have to listen to Michael Owen’s inane punditry for at least another four years.

Owen, recently prescribed by NHS doctors as a cure for insomnia, said the news was “exciting for everyone” in a rare display of humour from the former England striker.

It’s predicted that the bumper deal will mean TV viewers having to shell out more to watch live games and nuggets from Owen such as “that would have been a goal if it had gone inside the post”, “to stay in the game, you have to stay in the game” and “it’s a good run but it’s a poor run, if you know what I mean?”.