Michael’s Movies! Owen Reviews His Top 5!

Having endured Michael Owen’s monotone drone during his co-commentary on Manchester United’s defeat to Swansea City earlier…

…it struck me that the most interesting thing to come from his mouth this week is the fact that he’s only ever watched five movies. They’re quite a bizarre mixture, including Cool Runnings, Rocky, Ghost, Heat and Jurassic Park. We look at how some of his commentary might have sounded as he watched these films at home.

Cool Runnings
“The Jamaican lads have come into this tournament as underdogs but they’ve done themselves proud here, they really have. It didn’t look good early doors, they literally sat in the bobsled – which reminded me of the bench at Old Trafford – and it all went downhill from there really.

In fairness, the conditions didn’t really suit the Jamaicans at the end of the day but they restored some pride at the finish, although I’m not sure you’d have got away with walking the sled across the finishing line in my day”.

“De Niro and Pacino haven’t faced each other before so it was interesting to see how they’d shape up together. The two actors were playing people who weren’t actors today and you could notice the pressure on the lads’ shoulders.

Pacino’s team of cops started out as favourites in this one but De Niro’s men have gotten behind their defence early on and pulled off a stunning heist there, I must say. I’m expecting more from De Niro in the second half, he’ll really need to pull on his vast experience in this one if he’s to catch Pacino’s crew on the counter-attack”.

Jurassic Park
“You couldn’t script this, you really couldn’t! It’s possibly the most drama I’ve seen on an island since Roy Keane left Saipan. It seems they’ve used some DNA, which I believe we all have some of – even me – and made a load of dinosaurs that look like dinosaurs.

The Americans had a lucky escape there when a T. Rex, of all things, led a surprise attack but the tyrant lizard couldn’t just finish the move of. He looks quite dangerous, this lad, he seems to have quite a future on the park and from what I’m hearing Big Sam is interested in bringing him to West Ham.

There’s a couple of children now up against some velociraptors, it’s two-on-two, they say you won’t win anything with kids but they’re doing well here. Oh, and the T. Rex has come from nowhere and killed them both! The raptors that is, not the kids. We couldn’t be having that, not in a Hollywood movie, could we? Could we?”

“Swayze was apparently impressive in his role as a dancer previously but he’s got a lot of work to do to convince as a ghost here. I’ve never been a theatre lover, I must admit, and I wasn’t surprised to see him murdered on his way back from one there.

He’s finding it hard here to get his instructions to his wife, looks like he might be passing them through the medium in fact. A cunning move, and one that’s worked before for Jose Mourinho when he’s been banned from the touchline, and it looks like Swayze’s pulled it off here too. A fantastic display from someone who obviously doesn’t want to be a ghost at all really”.

“I think Creed’s underestimated his opponent here which is a fatal mistake in any sport. I must say I think he went down a bit easily there, the champion, but the referee’s spotted it, he’s doing quite well tonight, the man in the middle. This one’s gonna go the distance. If you’ve just joined us Balbao is playing from left to right, in the white shorts with red trim.

But Creed’s got a few inches on Rocky and this could be painful for the underdog. We’re into the last three minutes now and both sides are going all out, neither wants a replay and it could go either way. Or it could be a draw, of course. It could be a draw or go either way”.